I've had a lot of stuff on my mind over the past few days, so I thought I would use my blog as a place to hash some of this out. It would be really great if you had something to say about any of it, that you do. Maybe not make me feel so crazy.
1) I went back to visit the school where I was a teacher last year. It was a very interesting experience. Not necessarily bad, just interesting. I got to catch up with lots of my colleagues. There were a lot of really funny situations, where I walked into their classrooms (I know...interrupting the fine institution of public education) and they jumped out of their seats totally shocked to see me. I also got to see the girls that I worked closely with last year. One is VERY pregnant. She looks so beautiful and so happy. I am disappointed I won't be around when the teachers throw her a baby shower! I got to see my boss as well. You know, she can be so nasty. She seemed shocked that I was in the building and that no one had told her that I was there. Well, get over it. She gave me this half-assed hug, and said "You seem really happy." What I think she meant was "You seem really happy now that you are not teaching anymore." When actually I would say, "I am happy I am not working in this messed up institution anymore. I miss the kids, I miss the people I worked with but I'll tell you what, I don't miss educational administration anymore. I also got to see some of my old students: they've grown so much. I miss being in the classroom having that kind of relationship with kids.
2) Seeing the people from work made me think about my friendships, or lack thereof. I can probably count on one hand the amount of REALLY REALLY good friends I have. In fact, I can think of about 3 people in my life who are my "go-to" people. These are the people I can go to no matter what time of day it is with my problems. I would have another maybe 10 people who I would truly consider friends. I guess this whole moving away thing has made me learn a lot about friendships, and who your real friends are. Look, I don't expect people to make the trip all the way from the NJ/NY area to come visit me in Ohio. But why is it when they know I am back in town I am the one who has to initiate all contact. The first week I was home in NJ I called no one. And you know what, no one called me. It wasn't until I started emailing, texting, etc. about making plans that people actually got back to me. This says one of a few things: 1) People don't give a shit about me. 2) If I don't initiate, I shouldn't expect others to do so. 3) I am crazy and need to stop overthinking things.
3) As I said before, I am going to be an Aunt in June. I am really excited for my brother and his wife. The baby is going to be gorgeous. My parents are really excited about being first time grandparents. My mom even decided to learn how to crochet so that should could make a blanket for the baby. My mom is an awesome cook and baker....I don't know how crafty she is. I hope she is as successful as she wants to be. She also is going to give them the sweaters and such that my grandmother knitted for us when we were kids. So that's all the good. I know this is going to sound COMPLETELY selfish. But what the hell is wrong with me? I am watching everyone around me get married and have kids. I joke with my family that they can put a picture of me holding my degree like an infant, taking the degree for walks in the park or trips to the zoo.....that way they have something to put up next to what will be my brother's beautiful family Now, I know you are going to say, "Once you stop looking you'll find it..." Well, I disagree. I am getting older now. I am starting to run out of time. I mean, let's say I meet someone today, and everything goes well. We get engaged, what, two years from now. So now I am 31. We plan a wedding for a year or two later, 33. Start saving for a house and make ourselves secure financially...well..now I am 37. I mean, god, by the time I have kids, my brother's kid will be old enough to babysit. Again, I know I seem angry, bitter and selfish. I don't mean to be. I don't mean to take away from the amazing miracle that is occuring for my brother, his wife and our family as a whole. Sigh....
4) School is good, really good. When I went to visit my old place of employment, my colleagues said that I looked very happy. I am. I love the intellectual work going on at the University. I love being able to dialog about issues that I think are important. I enjoy verbally and mentally sparring with my classmates. I am looking at the world through an entirely new lense based on my studies. It is cool. I just worry. Maybe I am just down in the dumps as I write this blog, but I worry about my ability to be successful. I know I am smart and hard working but when I hear some of my classmates talk, it is phenomenal. I wish I could pinpoint exact what it is about them that I find so stellar so that I could emulate it, but I can't.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I think I need to have a good cry, for no really good reason, and go to bed. Wishing everyone happy holidays and a great new year!
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3 comments:
Plan less, live more. Worrying about the future and how plans unfold only leads to further worry. Things happen when they happen. Worrying doesn't change that. Neither does looking or not looking. Coincidence and/or destiny is going to happen, so why not let it?
Hope your holidays are going well!
Ha. Easier said than done!
This is very zen and it comes from my own personal experience: When you are in transition of any kind, just keep on moving and focusing on what is good and letting that guide your perceptions, and I guarantee you it will help bring progress and motion-trust me! Staying calm is key. If we act out of fear, we will sabotage ourselves. When we are least worried, our mind is most open to things that will change our situation and make us happier (not that you are unhappy, but I'm just saying). Getting out of our immediate heads is something that gets easier with age, too. We think because we are adults that we've got it all figured out, but really, we're just starting adulthood. No one gives us coping skills or prepares us as kids so how can we really be sure we know what we are doing? We have to examine our thinking. It's kind of about getting a larger perspective and approaching each day in a way that welcomes new things rather than keeping us stuck. For example I could be upset over money one day and not utter a word to anyone. Then I might not end up talking to the guy in the store when I buy my paper, but if I was in a good mood I might have. Maybe he knows someone looking for a worker, but I closed the option to find that out and could have been working the next week or something. Hope that helps. The Secret explains the concept better than I do. If you have never read or watched it, I highly suggest it. It has changed my life.
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