Dating

Ok..one of my really good friends here in Cbus have been doing a fair share of dating. Not dating each other of course, just dating in general. We've been talking a lot about "taking it slow" and the appropriate "time lines" for things in a relationship. I thought I'd bring this up here and see what you all think.

One of the first things that we talked about was sex. At what point in dating, a relationship, etc. do you "do it." Well, this is what I have been thinking. I think you have to know what you and your partner wants. I mean, we have all done the friends with benefits thing. FWB works when both people have the same expectations going in. I've heard that you can't have FWB without one friend growing feelings. I disagree. But that's not the point. I am not sure when sex is okay. Part of me says, when it feels right. Another part of me says, well, you should wait till you know the person well enough. I dunno....I just don't want to get hurt and I also wouldn't want to her the person I am dating with unclear expectations. I always get blammed for over thinking and over talking things.

I hate the "rules" of dating. You know, a girl gives you a number, you can't call for 2-3 days. You can't call on a Friday or Saturday because that implies you don't have plans, etc, etc. REALLY FREAKIN' STUIPID. My theory, if we are digging each other, we should call, email, text or hang out whenever we want. But again, the two people involved need to have the same idea of what is okay. Take me for example, right now, I have a LOT of free time, for the next week, I'd be happy to spend every night with a person I am dating. BUT once school starts I just can't do that. But it will depend on the week and how my work goes. You know?

The other thing I think about is dates in vs. dates out. Let's face it. I am POOOOOOR. I can't afford to pay for expensive dinners and stuff. Although some people would say the guy should pay, that goes back to my hating the rules of dating. But there should be a mix. Every so often, we should go out to dinner or the movies, getting dressed up and doing the whole nine yards. Maybe once or twice a months. I am just as happy, though, hanging out at home, cooking dinner and sharing a bottle of wine and cuddling on the couch.

Those are my thoughts for now.....comments?

Back Home?

Break was great. I got to see so many friends from home that I haven't seen since I left in August. I also got to spend some time with family. Got to see Katie and Jacob, my best friends/cousins. I also go to hang with my other cousins, Daniel, Lucy and Josh. I love them to death. Also we have two new babies on my mom sides, Bella and Jacoby. They are two of the cutest babies ever. I don't know how they parents can handle their cuteness.

Well, I am kinda back home. My parents house will always be home, but there was nothing like walking the door last night and seeing MY STUFF. So as I previously may (or may not) have mentioned, OSU works on a quarter system. Instead of 14 or 16 week semesters like most schools have, we have 10 week quarters. While most college people go back mid to late January, I go back January 5th. I have a few goals to accomplish before I go back to class. And that is what I would like to discuss in this entry.

1) READ. Next quarter I am taking 3 classes next quarter. 2 education classes with amazing professors, Dr. Bloome and Dr. Dixson. Although they are phenomenal, they also work your ass off! :) I looked at Dr. B's syllabus and almost wet my pants. It's going to be A TON of reading. I am so glad I am only taking 3 classes rather than the 4 I took last quarter. My third class is a women's studies class with Dr. Smooth. The class is focusing on the intersections of race, gender and the election.

2) WORK OUT. I am fat, and happy. I would be happier if I was skinny. The week before I went back to NJ I had gone to the gym almost every day. I don't know if I was actually losing weight, but I felt AMAZING. Being that my parents live in a crazy old people's community there were rules about who can use the gym. Since I wasn't a resident, I couldn't. With my dad's detached retina and mom's work schedule, I didn't ask either of them to go sit with me while I work out. Not really fair to them. Also not fair to my body, either. Luckily, I have this amazing friend Renee and we are back on track. She and I went to the gym this morning, and we plan on going 4-5 days a week during the quarter. I used this cybex cross trainer machine. It's amazing. My legs are KILLING me already. :)

3) HANG OUT. Well, I have been making a lot of friends and a lot of "friends." I have been doing some dating, which has been really great. I am looking forward to seeing wehre some of this is going, one in particular...all right, I'll be honest, currently, there is no one else but this one guy. He's really great. I over analyze everything, as most of you may know and often get involved with people who aren't good for me. This new guy is great. He's really sweet. I am TRYING, to take it slow, but as you know, its not one of my strong points. But I will keep you updated as there is stuff to update...but for right now, I am really happy.

4) AMERICAN IDOL. So my cousin Kim and her brother Howard are really into American Idol. I think I need to Tivo it. Any thoughts?

Hope everyone out there had a great Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever else you celebrate. I did. It was great to be home but it's also great to be back! Please don't hesitate to comment. Your comments keep me going!

Stuff on My Mind

I've had a lot of stuff on my mind over the past few days, so I thought I would use my blog as a place to hash some of this out. It would be really great if you had something to say about any of it, that you do. Maybe not make me feel so crazy.

1) I went back to visit the school where I was a teacher last year. It was a very interesting experience. Not necessarily bad, just interesting. I got to catch up with lots of my colleagues. There were a lot of really funny situations, where I walked into their classrooms (I know...interrupting the fine institution of public education) and they jumped out of their seats totally shocked to see me. I also got to see the girls that I worked closely with last year. One is VERY pregnant. She looks so beautiful and so happy. I am disappointed I won't be around when the teachers throw her a baby shower! I got to see my boss as well. You know, she can be so nasty. She seemed shocked that I was in the building and that no one had told her that I was there. Well, get over it. She gave me this half-assed hug, and said "You seem really happy." What I think she meant was "You seem really happy now that you are not teaching anymore." When actually I would say, "I am happy I am not working in this messed up institution anymore. I miss the kids, I miss the people I worked with but I'll tell you what, I don't miss educational administration anymore. I also got to see some of my old students: they've grown so much. I miss being in the classroom having that kind of relationship with kids.

2) Seeing the people from work made me think about my friendships, or lack thereof. I can probably count on one hand the amount of REALLY REALLY good friends I have. In fact, I can think of about 3 people in my life who are my "go-to" people. These are the people I can go to no matter what time of day it is with my problems. I would have another maybe 10 people who I would truly consider friends. I guess this whole moving away thing has made me learn a lot about friendships, and who your real friends are. Look, I don't expect people to make the trip all the way from the NJ/NY area to come visit me in Ohio. But why is it when they know I am back in town I am the one who has to initiate all contact. The first week I was home in NJ I called no one. And you know what, no one called me. It wasn't until I started emailing, texting, etc. about making plans that people actually got back to me. This says one of a few things: 1) People don't give a shit about me. 2) If I don't initiate, I shouldn't expect others to do so. 3) I am crazy and need to stop overthinking things.


3) As I said before, I am going to be an Aunt in June. I am really excited for my brother and his wife. The baby is going to be gorgeous. My parents are really excited about being first time grandparents. My mom even decided to learn how to crochet so that should could make a blanket for the baby. My mom is an awesome cook and baker....I don't know how crafty she is. I hope she is as successful as she wants to be. She also is going to give them the sweaters and such that my grandmother knitted for us when we were kids. So that's all the good. I know this is going to sound COMPLETELY selfish. But what the hell is wrong with me? I am watching everyone around me get married and have kids. I joke with my family that they can put a picture of me holding my degree like an infant, taking the degree for walks in the park or trips to the zoo.....that way they have something to put up next to what will be my brother's beautiful family Now, I know you are going to say, "Once you stop looking you'll find it..." Well, I disagree. I am getting older now. I am starting to run out of time. I mean, let's say I meet someone today, and everything goes well. We get engaged, what, two years from now. So now I am 31. We plan a wedding for a year or two later, 33. Start saving for a house and make ourselves secure financially...well..now I am 37. I mean, god, by the time I have kids, my brother's kid will be old enough to babysit. Again, I know I seem angry, bitter and selfish. I don't mean to be. I don't mean to take away from the amazing miracle that is occuring for my brother, his wife and our family as a whole. Sigh....

4) School is good, really good. When I went to visit my old place of employment, my colleagues said that I looked very happy. I am. I love the intellectual work going on at the University. I love being able to dialog about issues that I think are important. I enjoy verbally and mentally sparring with my classmates. I am looking at the world through an entirely new lense based on my studies. It is cool. I just worry. Maybe I am just down in the dumps as I write this blog, but I worry about my ability to be successful. I know I am smart and hard working but when I hear some of my classmates talk, it is phenomenal. I wish I could pinpoint exact what it is about them that I find so stellar so that I could emulate it, but I can't.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I think I need to have a good cry, for no really good reason, and go to bed. Wishing everyone happy holidays and a great new year!

It's kinda funny

So, I am not sure if I previously mentioned this, but life as a grad student, especially a PhD student is pretty crazy. You have your required readings, your recommended readings and then the readings you should be doing just to get yourself smarter. So, I am home on winter break with a backpack full of books that I want to and should be reading. I wanted to talk about a specific book in particular.

Promises I Can Keep was a book that my advisor recommended, but I absolutely love it. Basically, it talks about why poor women (of all races) choose motherhood over marriage. I was really struck by a lot of it. The book talks about why women, many of them in their teens, in poor urban settings get pregnant. It's not because they don't know about birth control or that they are just stupid. In fact, many of the women in book WANT to get pregnant in their late teens and early twenties and kinda just figure if it happens early it happens early. I found this so interesting. I had the misconception that urban teen mothers got pregnant because they didn't think they neeeded birth control or they couldn't afford it.

I know it's going to seem stupid, but I have been watching a lot of trashy television since I have been home. I have been carless for a few days..... but one show I have been watching is Maury. Now if you know anything about the show, basically he does a lot of paternity tests. And it's kinda funny, but my opinion of these girls have changed. I realized that my middle-class values of high school, college, job, marriage, kids have been affecting how I view these girls. I haven't finished the book yet, but I would recommend that anyone who works in an urban setting, especially one that has a high teenage pregnancy rate, reads this book!

BTW: I am going to be an aunt in June!!!

Crazy week

So, this week has been nuts. I handed in my last paper on Monday. I have basically spent the rest of the week drinking!! It's crazy. I blame it all on Renee. :) We've been having lots of fun together. Shopping, eating Greek food and drinking. It's nutz!!! But in a good way. I am finally starting to establish really great friendships with people here in Columbus. They are making me really happy. I was kinda getting worried for a little bit that I was going to be very lonely and stuff. Not so much now.

I also went to the gym four days this week. I am really proud of myself. I took today off. It was nice and relaxing. I plan to go again Sunday, but then take off Monday (since I will be driving home). Hopefully, I will be working out with Dad a few days a week when I am home.

Sad

So of course you are going to think I am crazy....

I got my first grade back today. It was an A-. I'm so pissed. Most of you are probably thinking, why should you be so upset over an A-. An A- is good. I guess...I dunno. I am just really upset about it. I was working my ass off, and I did the best I could. It's just frustrating that my best was not good enough. It's not like I want to go to the professor and argue over points to get it up to an A or anything. I think I would have felt much better if I would have gotten an A or two back first. You know? I was so excited about handing in all my work and being doing with the quarter but now I am feeling pretty crappy about it. This blows. I don't even know what to say or do to make myself feel better. I know I just started. I know I am getting better. I know an A- isn't a bad grade at all. Then why the hell do I feel so crappy about it?

New Post

I haven't posted in a bit so I thought I should. The quarter is almost over. I have to do an edit/revise on my last paper for Dr. D's class and hand it in tomorrow (Monday). I invited a whole bunch of my friends from school on Friday to celebrate the quarter being over. I can't wait! It'll be good to kick back and relax. Hopefully we won't talk about school TOO much during the party! Then, I will be going home for a week and half or so. I can't wait for that either. Just to be home, relaxing, with no work to do. Should be great!

So I was thinking about getting my nose pierced. Any thoughts?

Stressed Out

As you can imagine, I am pretty stressed out. I have a 20 page paper due Thursday. I have about 8 pages written so far, not so bad, but it's one of those papers in which every paragraph is a challenge. My professor gave us until Monday to hand it in, but I really really really really really want to get it done for Thursday. I've got a lot on my mind these days, been going through a rough time. Since I moved to Columbus I've gained a fair amount of weight. I haven't been exercising, and eating like crap. It sucks. I gotta work this out. Hopefully, with the quarter being over, and only taking 3 classes next quarter, I will be able to knock some pounds off. It's really frustrating.

Secrets

Did you ever have a secret that you wish you could tell everyone? Well, I do. Hopefully I will be able to share in a week or two, but in the meantime, it's KILLING me. I can't say any more than that! :) It's such a good secret though. I promise.

On another note, I have 3 of my 4 papers finished, which is both good and bad. The last paper is kinda crazy. It's a 20 page positionality paper on queer identity theory and racial identity theory. I have written about 3 pages so far. I am going to lock myself in my office next week until I am finished. Wish me luck!!

Also, I just wanted to say how happy I am to be home for the break. I love my family and my friends, and it was great to see them. The birds were VERY well behaved.

Thanksgiving

So, I got up at 5:30 am, packed up my stuff and the birds and headed out. I drove for 3 hours, and picked up my cousin Josh and his friend Tom in Pittsburgh. The live in this area right near the Pitt campus. I had to go down a cobblestone road and up a super steep hill to get to their place. We drove another 2 hours and stopped to refresh. Sparky, the cockatiel, needed to be fed. Honestly, I needed to be fed too. I was pretty mad because I was craving chicken nuggets but the rest area we stopped at did not have any place to get some. Annoying. It was kinda neat because I was feeding Sparky and everyone thought it was really cute. We then drove another 4.5 hours. I dropped off Josh and Tom and Tom's house and then sprinted the last half an hour home. I am so happy to be here.

I was stoked to see Riley, my parents dog. He liked the birds, a lot. In fact I think he wanted to eat them for dinner. Oh, it was pretty darned cool seeing my parents too. We also had Chinese food for dinner. Unlike the Chinese food in Ohio, this stuff was amazing. Man, I miss NJ. So tomorrow, around 2 we are having 13 people over.

I hope that everyone out there who actually reads my blog has an amazing Thanksgiving!!

Football and Schoolwork

So I really like college football. Professional football does not really impress me. But I am sitting here, eating pizza enjoy OSU kick Michigan's Ass. At the same time I am check ESPN.com and seeing that Rutgers is beating Army 30-3(or something ridiculous like that). I miss being in the band, or at least being in the stands at the game. I HAVE to get football tickets next year. It'll give me some break from all the work.

I had an amazing meeting with my advisor yesterday. We talked about how I was doing this quarter, as well as my plans for next quarter and beyond. I am going to try to write and present a paper for the Ohio NAME (National Association for Multicultural Educators) Conference this summer. Then, assuming it goes well, I am going to try to present next fall at the National NAME conference. I am really excited. Next quarter, I am only taking 3 classes, instead of the 4 I am taking this quarter. I think it'll be much better for me. I mean, if I go a little lighter on the coursework band it takes me an extra quarter or two to finish who really cares? It doesn't do anyone any good if I have a meltdown in the process!!!

It's crunch time....

Well, it's that time of the quarter where we realize that we have about 2 weeks to complete all the end of term papers we were assigned weeks ago. All of my usually lovely friends, including myself, are nuts and cranky. I have decided that once the quarter is over I am going to have a kick ass party for us to all relax, before winter quarter starts us. I am making decent progress. I have 4 papers done. 1 paper needs a final edit, 2 papers need to be finished (which I am planning to do this weekend), and the last paper...well...I haven't even started it. I am kinda intimidated by it so I keep putting it off. I have been thinking about the paper a lot. It is a positionality paper, a chance for me to figure out where I stand in relationship to the theories we have been discussing so far this quarter. I am picking racial formation/identity and queer theory. We are supposed to frame the paper with the questions which form the basic tenants of our program. It's kinda complicated. I'll check back in and let you know how I am doing. For now, rest will be best! :)

The Gym

So I am trying to get my butt to the gym everyday. Not going so well. I went Sunday and Monday. Here's my problem: right now with all of the pressures of class and stuff I am really struggling. I feel like most of my free time, during the day I want to get the reading and writing done that I need to for class. During the night, when I finally get home from class, I want to relax, spend some quality time with the birds and go to sleep. It is so frustrating.

Video

So in one of my classes I am learning about using digital tools in qualitative research. One of the things we are working on is using media such as video and audio files in our research. So I pulled out my video camera, shot a minute or so of the birds,and I am going to post it to my pathetic little blog.

New Blog Idea

So, one of my friends, Laurie, has a really great blog where she gets sent free stuff for her adorable twin boys. She gets all sorts of crazy stuff (usually times 2 for the kids). I was thinking about trying to do some sort of grad student blog where I would solicit companies to send me free stuff so that I could talk about them on my blog and say how awesome they are and how much every graduate student needs them. If anyone has any ideas of places I should try, let me know.

Lots on my mind.....

I've had a lot on my mind recently. Don't really want to get into all the details since who knows who actually reads this. Did you ever just not know where to go in your life? Whether something is worth fighting for or whether you should just let it go? I dunno....I am a mess about it......

Graduate School Ain't Easy

Let me tell you...on the one hand, it's nice not having a 9-5 job (or 7-3 in the case of being a teacher), but man....being a grad student is exhausting. OSU works on the quarter system. Instead of 14 or 16 week semesters, we have 10 week quarters. Yeah, we have to cram all of the material into 10 short weeks. So we have about 3 weeks of the quarter left and I have a TON of work to do. I have (basically) 4 20-page papers to write. It's exhausting. Ph.D. work is so much different than work as an undergrad. Instead of just reading what is required on the syllabus, I have to read a whole mess of other stuff too. Don't get me wrong, I love learning and getting smarter. It's just exhausting. It's nice to know, though, that the struggle is not mine alone. Since my move here to Cbus, I have been making a lot of friends also in PhD programs and they face many of the same challenges I do. The only challenge they don't face is a cutie pie baby cockatiel who loves to sit on my laptop keyboard when I type and chase the cursor across the screen.

I am making a ton of new friends, which is really cool. I just wish I had more time to hang out with them. I should probably set up more study dates with people, where we can go to a library, coffee shop or somewhere and hang out and do work.

I am very much looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving. I really miss everyone.....

Let it be Known

This blog is not just about my fabulous birdies. It's about my life in general. Right now, though, the birds are consuming a huge chunk of my life.

Life as a doc student ain't easy. I can't tell you the amount of reading I have to do. It's so annoying. There is the required reading, the suggested reading and then the reading you should be doing to make yourself a smarter scholar. I have 4 15-20 page papers due in 4 weeks which is very overwhelming too, as you can imagine. I am not sure what to do or where to start. Sigh. I wish I knew what questions to ask.....

Birds are like Children

So the people on my bird board called their birds "fids" (flying kids). Well, I wholeheartedly agree. I got up extra early this morning to make sure the birds were fed and their cages cleaned before I went off to observe my student teachers. Fizzy has begun to step up without flying away and Sparky is starting to eat grown-up food. I am so proud of them. I know many people think I am nuts for getting birds, but I cannot express how much job they have brought to my life in the past 2 weeks. Yes, I do get frustrated, when Sparky won't stop crying or when Fizzy attacks her, but I find it so rewarding when I walk in the door and they chirp to me. Soon, I'll teach them to talk. But they are so amazing and I love them to bits.

New Bird

Well...the new bird is here. Her name was Rygel but I like Sparky better! She's so cute. She actually likes to be hand fed. While Fizzy sort of licked the syringe, Sparky actually does the baby feeding response. She cries, bobs her head and I feed her that way. She's adorable. She has some funny quirks already. She likes to hang out on the bottom of the cage. I put her on a perch and she goes back to the floor. I don't get it! :)

Oh....I put Fizzy and Sparky on top of the cage together. Fizzy went after her! I yelled at her. Then Sparky went after Fizzgig. The little girl can hold her own, which is great! Needless to say, I am in love with these babies. I want them to get socialized with people so Im hoping to introduce them to as many people as possible. :)

DIlemma

So, I don't know if any of you are aware of what it is like to be a grad student in terms of finances. I am VERY VERY VERY poor. It really sucks. I have an assistantship which pays my tuition, health benefits and a SMALL monthly stipent (which pretty much just goes to rent and utilities). I have been blessed with wonderful parents though who have offered to help out with things, which is great. I just feel bad asking them for money. They are constantly asking me if I need help. When I suggested that I get some type of part time job to help out, they told me they want me to focus on my studies. To make ends meet, I think I would only need $300 or so a month to be okay but I still feel weird/bad/etc for asking. What do you think I should do?

Halloween

So I am sitting here, watching TV and I realized that I haven't updated my blog since I started writing it. I thought I would take a few minutes to update it.

So, last Saturday I became a mommy. Don't get too excited, I am not/was not pregnant. I became the mommy of a senegal parrot. I named her Fizzgig. It's from one of my favorite movies, The Dark Crystal. In the moive, Fizzgig was a dog like creature, but I love the name and I thought it would work for the bird. Even cooler, tomorrow I am picking up my 2nd bird. A baby cockatiel. I am going to name her Rygel. I got that name from the TV show Farscape. I guess that's it for now.....

I am watching the live episode of Ghost Hunters and listening to my neighbors having a crazy fun party........

Welcome to my Blog

So, I have this class that we are learning about digital tools in qualitative research. One of the requirements is that we create a blog. I figured that since we have to create a blog for the class, I might as well make my own blog. I am not really sure what I am going to write about here, but I figured it would be a great way to keep people up-to-date on what is going on in my life.