Back Home?

Break was great. I got to see so many friends from home that I haven't seen since I left in August. I also got to spend some time with family. Got to see Katie and Jacob, my best friends/cousins. I also go to hang with my other cousins, Daniel, Lucy and Josh. I love them to death. Also we have two new babies on my mom sides, Bella and Jacoby. They are two of the cutest babies ever. I don't know how they parents can handle their cuteness.

Well, I am kinda back home. My parents house will always be home, but there was nothing like walking the door last night and seeing MY STUFF. So as I previously may (or may not) have mentioned, OSU works on a quarter system. Instead of 14 or 16 week semesters like most schools have, we have 10 week quarters. While most college people go back mid to late January, I go back January 5th. I have a few goals to accomplish before I go back to class. And that is what I would like to discuss in this entry.

1) READ. Next quarter I am taking 3 classes next quarter. 2 education classes with amazing professors, Dr. Bloome and Dr. Dixson. Although they are phenomenal, they also work your ass off! :) I looked at Dr. B's syllabus and almost wet my pants. It's going to be A TON of reading. I am so glad I am only taking 3 classes rather than the 4 I took last quarter. My third class is a women's studies class with Dr. Smooth. The class is focusing on the intersections of race, gender and the election.

2) WORK OUT. I am fat, and happy. I would be happier if I was skinny. The week before I went back to NJ I had gone to the gym almost every day. I don't know if I was actually losing weight, but I felt AMAZING. Being that my parents live in a crazy old people's community there were rules about who can use the gym. Since I wasn't a resident, I couldn't. With my dad's detached retina and mom's work schedule, I didn't ask either of them to go sit with me while I work out. Not really fair to them. Also not fair to my body, either. Luckily, I have this amazing friend Renee and we are back on track. She and I went to the gym this morning, and we plan on going 4-5 days a week during the quarter. I used this cybex cross trainer machine. It's amazing. My legs are KILLING me already. :)

3) HANG OUT. Well, I have been making a lot of friends and a lot of "friends." I have been doing some dating, which has been really great. I am looking forward to seeing wehre some of this is going, one in particular...all right, I'll be honest, currently, there is no one else but this one guy. He's really great. I over analyze everything, as most of you may know and often get involved with people who aren't good for me. This new guy is great. He's really sweet. I am TRYING, to take it slow, but as you know, its not one of my strong points. But I will keep you updated as there is stuff to update...but for right now, I am really happy.

4) AMERICAN IDOL. So my cousin Kim and her brother Howard are really into American Idol. I think I need to Tivo it. Any thoughts?

Hope everyone out there had a great Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever else you celebrate. I did. It was great to be home but it's also great to be back! Please don't hesitate to comment. Your comments keep me going!

Stuff on My Mind

I've had a lot of stuff on my mind over the past few days, so I thought I would use my blog as a place to hash some of this out. It would be really great if you had something to say about any of it, that you do. Maybe not make me feel so crazy.

1) I went back to visit the school where I was a teacher last year. It was a very interesting experience. Not necessarily bad, just interesting. I got to catch up with lots of my colleagues. There were a lot of really funny situations, where I walked into their classrooms (I know...interrupting the fine institution of public education) and they jumped out of their seats totally shocked to see me. I also got to see the girls that I worked closely with last year. One is VERY pregnant. She looks so beautiful and so happy. I am disappointed I won't be around when the teachers throw her a baby shower! I got to see my boss as well. You know, she can be so nasty. She seemed shocked that I was in the building and that no one had told her that I was there. Well, get over it. She gave me this half-assed hug, and said "You seem really happy." What I think she meant was "You seem really happy now that you are not teaching anymore." When actually I would say, "I am happy I am not working in this messed up institution anymore. I miss the kids, I miss the people I worked with but I'll tell you what, I don't miss educational administration anymore. I also got to see some of my old students: they've grown so much. I miss being in the classroom having that kind of relationship with kids.

2) Seeing the people from work made me think about my friendships, or lack thereof. I can probably count on one hand the amount of REALLY REALLY good friends I have. In fact, I can think of about 3 people in my life who are my "go-to" people. These are the people I can go to no matter what time of day it is with my problems. I would have another maybe 10 people who I would truly consider friends. I guess this whole moving away thing has made me learn a lot about friendships, and who your real friends are. Look, I don't expect people to make the trip all the way from the NJ/NY area to come visit me in Ohio. But why is it when they know I am back in town I am the one who has to initiate all contact. The first week I was home in NJ I called no one. And you know what, no one called me. It wasn't until I started emailing, texting, etc. about making plans that people actually got back to me. This says one of a few things: 1) People don't give a shit about me. 2) If I don't initiate, I shouldn't expect others to do so. 3) I am crazy and need to stop overthinking things.


3) As I said before, I am going to be an Aunt in June. I am really excited for my brother and his wife. The baby is going to be gorgeous. My parents are really excited about being first time grandparents. My mom even decided to learn how to crochet so that should could make a blanket for the baby. My mom is an awesome cook and baker....I don't know how crafty she is. I hope she is as successful as she wants to be. She also is going to give them the sweaters and such that my grandmother knitted for us when we were kids. So that's all the good. I know this is going to sound COMPLETELY selfish. But what the hell is wrong with me? I am watching everyone around me get married and have kids. I joke with my family that they can put a picture of me holding my degree like an infant, taking the degree for walks in the park or trips to the zoo.....that way they have something to put up next to what will be my brother's beautiful family Now, I know you are going to say, "Once you stop looking you'll find it..." Well, I disagree. I am getting older now. I am starting to run out of time. I mean, let's say I meet someone today, and everything goes well. We get engaged, what, two years from now. So now I am 31. We plan a wedding for a year or two later, 33. Start saving for a house and make ourselves secure financially...well..now I am 37. I mean, god, by the time I have kids, my brother's kid will be old enough to babysit. Again, I know I seem angry, bitter and selfish. I don't mean to be. I don't mean to take away from the amazing miracle that is occuring for my brother, his wife and our family as a whole. Sigh....

4) School is good, really good. When I went to visit my old place of employment, my colleagues said that I looked very happy. I am. I love the intellectual work going on at the University. I love being able to dialog about issues that I think are important. I enjoy verbally and mentally sparring with my classmates. I am looking at the world through an entirely new lense based on my studies. It is cool. I just worry. Maybe I am just down in the dumps as I write this blog, but I worry about my ability to be successful. I know I am smart and hard working but when I hear some of my classmates talk, it is phenomenal. I wish I could pinpoint exact what it is about them that I find so stellar so that I could emulate it, but I can't.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I think I need to have a good cry, for no really good reason, and go to bed. Wishing everyone happy holidays and a great new year!