Dating

Ok..one of my really good friends here in Cbus have been doing a fair share of dating. Not dating each other of course, just dating in general. We've been talking a lot about "taking it slow" and the appropriate "time lines" for things in a relationship. I thought I'd bring this up here and see what you all think.

One of the first things that we talked about was sex. At what point in dating, a relationship, etc. do you "do it." Well, this is what I have been thinking. I think you have to know what you and your partner wants. I mean, we have all done the friends with benefits thing. FWB works when both people have the same expectations going in. I've heard that you can't have FWB without one friend growing feelings. I disagree. But that's not the point. I am not sure when sex is okay. Part of me says, when it feels right. Another part of me says, well, you should wait till you know the person well enough. I dunno....I just don't want to get hurt and I also wouldn't want to her the person I am dating with unclear expectations. I always get blammed for over thinking and over talking things.

I hate the "rules" of dating. You know, a girl gives you a number, you can't call for 2-3 days. You can't call on a Friday or Saturday because that implies you don't have plans, etc, etc. REALLY FREAKIN' STUIPID. My theory, if we are digging each other, we should call, email, text or hang out whenever we want. But again, the two people involved need to have the same idea of what is okay. Take me for example, right now, I have a LOT of free time, for the next week, I'd be happy to spend every night with a person I am dating. BUT once school starts I just can't do that. But it will depend on the week and how my work goes. You know?

The other thing I think about is dates in vs. dates out. Let's face it. I am POOOOOOR. I can't afford to pay for expensive dinners and stuff. Although some people would say the guy should pay, that goes back to my hating the rules of dating. But there should be a mix. Every so often, we should go out to dinner or the movies, getting dressed up and doing the whole nine yards. Maybe once or twice a months. I am just as happy, though, hanging out at home, cooking dinner and sharing a bottle of wine and cuddling on the couch.

Those are my thoughts for now.....comments?

Back Home?

Break was great. I got to see so many friends from home that I haven't seen since I left in August. I also got to spend some time with family. Got to see Katie and Jacob, my best friends/cousins. I also go to hang with my other cousins, Daniel, Lucy and Josh. I love them to death. Also we have two new babies on my mom sides, Bella and Jacoby. They are two of the cutest babies ever. I don't know how they parents can handle their cuteness.

Well, I am kinda back home. My parents house will always be home, but there was nothing like walking the door last night and seeing MY STUFF. So as I previously may (or may not) have mentioned, OSU works on a quarter system. Instead of 14 or 16 week semesters like most schools have, we have 10 week quarters. While most college people go back mid to late January, I go back January 5th. I have a few goals to accomplish before I go back to class. And that is what I would like to discuss in this entry.

1) READ. Next quarter I am taking 3 classes next quarter. 2 education classes with amazing professors, Dr. Bloome and Dr. Dixson. Although they are phenomenal, they also work your ass off! :) I looked at Dr. B's syllabus and almost wet my pants. It's going to be A TON of reading. I am so glad I am only taking 3 classes rather than the 4 I took last quarter. My third class is a women's studies class with Dr. Smooth. The class is focusing on the intersections of race, gender and the election.

2) WORK OUT. I am fat, and happy. I would be happier if I was skinny. The week before I went back to NJ I had gone to the gym almost every day. I don't know if I was actually losing weight, but I felt AMAZING. Being that my parents live in a crazy old people's community there were rules about who can use the gym. Since I wasn't a resident, I couldn't. With my dad's detached retina and mom's work schedule, I didn't ask either of them to go sit with me while I work out. Not really fair to them. Also not fair to my body, either. Luckily, I have this amazing friend Renee and we are back on track. She and I went to the gym this morning, and we plan on going 4-5 days a week during the quarter. I used this cybex cross trainer machine. It's amazing. My legs are KILLING me already. :)

3) HANG OUT. Well, I have been making a lot of friends and a lot of "friends." I have been doing some dating, which has been really great. I am looking forward to seeing wehre some of this is going, one in particular...all right, I'll be honest, currently, there is no one else but this one guy. He's really great. I over analyze everything, as most of you may know and often get involved with people who aren't good for me. This new guy is great. He's really sweet. I am TRYING, to take it slow, but as you know, its not one of my strong points. But I will keep you updated as there is stuff to update...but for right now, I am really happy.

4) AMERICAN IDOL. So my cousin Kim and her brother Howard are really into American Idol. I think I need to Tivo it. Any thoughts?

Hope everyone out there had a great Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever else you celebrate. I did. It was great to be home but it's also great to be back! Please don't hesitate to comment. Your comments keep me going!

Stuff on My Mind

I've had a lot of stuff on my mind over the past few days, so I thought I would use my blog as a place to hash some of this out. It would be really great if you had something to say about any of it, that you do. Maybe not make me feel so crazy.

1) I went back to visit the school where I was a teacher last year. It was a very interesting experience. Not necessarily bad, just interesting. I got to catch up with lots of my colleagues. There were a lot of really funny situations, where I walked into their classrooms (I know...interrupting the fine institution of public education) and they jumped out of their seats totally shocked to see me. I also got to see the girls that I worked closely with last year. One is VERY pregnant. She looks so beautiful and so happy. I am disappointed I won't be around when the teachers throw her a baby shower! I got to see my boss as well. You know, she can be so nasty. She seemed shocked that I was in the building and that no one had told her that I was there. Well, get over it. She gave me this half-assed hug, and said "You seem really happy." What I think she meant was "You seem really happy now that you are not teaching anymore." When actually I would say, "I am happy I am not working in this messed up institution anymore. I miss the kids, I miss the people I worked with but I'll tell you what, I don't miss educational administration anymore. I also got to see some of my old students: they've grown so much. I miss being in the classroom having that kind of relationship with kids.

2) Seeing the people from work made me think about my friendships, or lack thereof. I can probably count on one hand the amount of REALLY REALLY good friends I have. In fact, I can think of about 3 people in my life who are my "go-to" people. These are the people I can go to no matter what time of day it is with my problems. I would have another maybe 10 people who I would truly consider friends. I guess this whole moving away thing has made me learn a lot about friendships, and who your real friends are. Look, I don't expect people to make the trip all the way from the NJ/NY area to come visit me in Ohio. But why is it when they know I am back in town I am the one who has to initiate all contact. The first week I was home in NJ I called no one. And you know what, no one called me. It wasn't until I started emailing, texting, etc. about making plans that people actually got back to me. This says one of a few things: 1) People don't give a shit about me. 2) If I don't initiate, I shouldn't expect others to do so. 3) I am crazy and need to stop overthinking things.


3) As I said before, I am going to be an Aunt in June. I am really excited for my brother and his wife. The baby is going to be gorgeous. My parents are really excited about being first time grandparents. My mom even decided to learn how to crochet so that should could make a blanket for the baby. My mom is an awesome cook and baker....I don't know how crafty she is. I hope she is as successful as she wants to be. She also is going to give them the sweaters and such that my grandmother knitted for us when we were kids. So that's all the good. I know this is going to sound COMPLETELY selfish. But what the hell is wrong with me? I am watching everyone around me get married and have kids. I joke with my family that they can put a picture of me holding my degree like an infant, taking the degree for walks in the park or trips to the zoo.....that way they have something to put up next to what will be my brother's beautiful family Now, I know you are going to say, "Once you stop looking you'll find it..." Well, I disagree. I am getting older now. I am starting to run out of time. I mean, let's say I meet someone today, and everything goes well. We get engaged, what, two years from now. So now I am 31. We plan a wedding for a year or two later, 33. Start saving for a house and make ourselves secure financially...well..now I am 37. I mean, god, by the time I have kids, my brother's kid will be old enough to babysit. Again, I know I seem angry, bitter and selfish. I don't mean to be. I don't mean to take away from the amazing miracle that is occuring for my brother, his wife and our family as a whole. Sigh....

4) School is good, really good. When I went to visit my old place of employment, my colleagues said that I looked very happy. I am. I love the intellectual work going on at the University. I love being able to dialog about issues that I think are important. I enjoy verbally and mentally sparring with my classmates. I am looking at the world through an entirely new lense based on my studies. It is cool. I just worry. Maybe I am just down in the dumps as I write this blog, but I worry about my ability to be successful. I know I am smart and hard working but when I hear some of my classmates talk, it is phenomenal. I wish I could pinpoint exact what it is about them that I find so stellar so that I could emulate it, but I can't.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I think I need to have a good cry, for no really good reason, and go to bed. Wishing everyone happy holidays and a great new year!

It's kinda funny

So, I am not sure if I previously mentioned this, but life as a grad student, especially a PhD student is pretty crazy. You have your required readings, your recommended readings and then the readings you should be doing just to get yourself smarter. So, I am home on winter break with a backpack full of books that I want to and should be reading. I wanted to talk about a specific book in particular.

Promises I Can Keep was a book that my advisor recommended, but I absolutely love it. Basically, it talks about why poor women (of all races) choose motherhood over marriage. I was really struck by a lot of it. The book talks about why women, many of them in their teens, in poor urban settings get pregnant. It's not because they don't know about birth control or that they are just stupid. In fact, many of the women in book WANT to get pregnant in their late teens and early twenties and kinda just figure if it happens early it happens early. I found this so interesting. I had the misconception that urban teen mothers got pregnant because they didn't think they neeeded birth control or they couldn't afford it.

I know it's going to seem stupid, but I have been watching a lot of trashy television since I have been home. I have been carless for a few days..... but one show I have been watching is Maury. Now if you know anything about the show, basically he does a lot of paternity tests. And it's kinda funny, but my opinion of these girls have changed. I realized that my middle-class values of high school, college, job, marriage, kids have been affecting how I view these girls. I haven't finished the book yet, but I would recommend that anyone who works in an urban setting, especially one that has a high teenage pregnancy rate, reads this book!

BTW: I am going to be an aunt in June!!!

Crazy week

So, this week has been nuts. I handed in my last paper on Monday. I have basically spent the rest of the week drinking!! It's crazy. I blame it all on Renee. :) We've been having lots of fun together. Shopping, eating Greek food and drinking. It's nutz!!! But in a good way. I am finally starting to establish really great friendships with people here in Columbus. They are making me really happy. I was kinda getting worried for a little bit that I was going to be very lonely and stuff. Not so much now.

I also went to the gym four days this week. I am really proud of myself. I took today off. It was nice and relaxing. I plan to go again Sunday, but then take off Monday (since I will be driving home). Hopefully, I will be working out with Dad a few days a week when I am home.

Sad

So of course you are going to think I am crazy....

I got my first grade back today. It was an A-. I'm so pissed. Most of you are probably thinking, why should you be so upset over an A-. An A- is good. I guess...I dunno. I am just really upset about it. I was working my ass off, and I did the best I could. It's just frustrating that my best was not good enough. It's not like I want to go to the professor and argue over points to get it up to an A or anything. I think I would have felt much better if I would have gotten an A or two back first. You know? I was so excited about handing in all my work and being doing with the quarter but now I am feeling pretty crappy about it. This blows. I don't even know what to say or do to make myself feel better. I know I just started. I know I am getting better. I know an A- isn't a bad grade at all. Then why the hell do I feel so crappy about it?

New Post

I haven't posted in a bit so I thought I should. The quarter is almost over. I have to do an edit/revise on my last paper for Dr. D's class and hand it in tomorrow (Monday). I invited a whole bunch of my friends from school on Friday to celebrate the quarter being over. I can't wait! It'll be good to kick back and relax. Hopefully we won't talk about school TOO much during the party! Then, I will be going home for a week and half or so. I can't wait for that either. Just to be home, relaxing, with no work to do. Should be great!

So I was thinking about getting my nose pierced. Any thoughts?

Stressed Out

As you can imagine, I am pretty stressed out. I have a 20 page paper due Thursday. I have about 8 pages written so far, not so bad, but it's one of those papers in which every paragraph is a challenge. My professor gave us until Monday to hand it in, but I really really really really really want to get it done for Thursday. I've got a lot on my mind these days, been going through a rough time. Since I moved to Columbus I've gained a fair amount of weight. I haven't been exercising, and eating like crap. It sucks. I gotta work this out. Hopefully, with the quarter being over, and only taking 3 classes next quarter, I will be able to knock some pounds off. It's really frustrating.